FAT FAT FAT

God I HATE myself! Don't even have the discipline to fill this out everyday. So I went to a birthday party yesterday and ate 4 cookies, chips, dip, and a piece of cake. I am such a fucking pig. My best friend is 5' 7" and weighs approximately 115 lbs. SO NOT FAIR. After a little sandwich and some veggies she proclaims she is too full to each a piece of cake. BITCH! I can't believe I am LITERALLY DOUBLE her size. This sucks. SO I am back on the plan. I don't care if I have to starve myself. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT. GODDAMN IT! So here I go.

Diet Plan: 1200-1300 calories a day
Excercise: 1 hour a day. 30 min. Cardio, 30 min. pilates.

Breakfast - 120 Calorie Yogurt

Day 1 of new diet

So I thought I would try the diabetic diet again, basically no refined sugar or sweets. It worked when I was preggo, so why not try again??? I go to the doctor today, I think I might refuse to get on the scale...too scary.

Yesterday I had an awful day, after the initial pop tarts and chocolate milk, I had nachos and queso for lunch, then an almond joy. then more pop tarts, then a twinkie, then for dinner mac and cheese and a hot dog. I'm such a fucking cow... But today is a new day.

Who the hell knows? Maybe I might have some self-control this time,. I know I need to stay on a low-fat, high fiber, low-carb diet. But it's so fucking hard. Food is sooo good!

So my goals for today(one day at a time right???) are to not eat any sweets and to drink 8 glasses of water.

Going to the doctor for sleep problems, I toss and turn all night, and I had AWFUL RLS last night, my legs and arms kept twitching. I took 4 tylenol pm , which made it worse. I wanted to die. I wish I could be on Percocet or vicodin all the time, like House, then maybe I would sleep !

Am I really just big boned?

Yep. I'm fat. Plain and simple, no way to get around it. Here's my story. I was 140 pounds in high school(not too bad) Then I started taking meds, got up to 200, had a baby, now 240(ok 237.5) My thyroid went kaput after the baby and even though I had gotten back to my pre-birth weight of 215, I quickly gained weight, got on thyroid meds, stopped gaining. Started going to the gym, lost a few pounds(had actually gotten back down to 230). Then since I was working out, started eating like crap, then my son got sick, and I couldn't take him to the daycare at the gym, then the gym was closed last week, now my son has a cold and can't go again. So back I am to almost 240.

So I OBVIOUSLY need to do something about this problem. The trainer at the gym "Rob" said that it was "do-able" to get down to what my goal weight should be 165. So that's 70 lbs. Jesus fucking christ. 70 POUNDS!! It doesn't really seem like all that much when you hear about all those people who have lost 400 pounds. But when the doritos and the ice cream are calling, 70 pounds seems impossible.

So what do I do? Decide to blog about it...Keep an online journal of what my progress(or lack thereof) and of what I eat, etc. Maybe it will give me some insight. who the hell knows? In any case, I feel like shit, I have plantar fascitis in my heel, and I can't sleep(which I pretty much take anything I can get my hands on to help, but I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow to see what we can do about that)

Here's what I've eaten today so far:

1 pack of chocolate chip cookie dough pop tarts
1 16 oz. glass of chocolate milk

healthy huh??

But I figure I have to be brutally honest if I'm ever going to lose weight.

I hate my fucking body!!! I've even tried Wiccan spells to help, If there are any real witches or Gypsies out there who can cast a spell on me, let me know!!!

Alright, that's it for now.